Okay! Let’s get it on….
1. Fast Food employees are fucking STARVING!: When teens resort to eating food product that is 90% preservatives and 8% road-kill-runoff in the dark corners of their shitty job’s kitchen, someone has to help them. Putting your mouth on the Frosty machine dispenser is like a meth addict sucking donkey dick to get a hit: you’ve hit bottom.
“Yo man…I just need…I….I’ll suck yo dispenser.”
“The salt will sustain me. If not, the preservatives will keep my body from rotting until my family can afford to bury me.”
2. Forget the Muslims….the Nazis are back! : I ain’t shitting you! They’re here and they’ve BEEN HERE! Fucking hell, how do we mount a D-Day on Minnesota? Granted, this guy is in his fucking 90’s, but we can’t take any chances! Hey, did Obama spend anytime in Germany as a child? DID HE!!?!? Where’s that birth certificate again…..
3. Dandelions and weeds are beautiful and really fill out a front lawn nicely : This is the apparent lemming-like mentality of half the people in my neighborhood. Jesus christ, at least fucking try. My next door neighbor’s yard consists of a fine layer of clover, crabgrass and ant colonies. My daughter wandered into her yard and was lost for 3 days while she survived on clover buds and grubs. She came back acting like on of those kids from that “Mama” movie.
When she finally mows that shit you KNOW we’re gonna find some lost tribe that has never seen a white man before.
4. DVR devices are actually government controlled psychology experiments : Yes, designed to see just how much illogical bullshit and hair-pulling, malfunctioning disappointment we can stand before we feed it to the compactor. Seriously, if I program the thing to record a 2hr show and it proceeds to record the first 2 minutes and the shut the fuck off for no reason, why should I allow it to live? “Hey, Idiot Box, record Game of Thrones every sunday at 9pm. Got that shit?” How hard is that? But then I get the opening credits and it cuts off. Is this a malfunction or is my DVR commenting on my taste? Does it think I’m just some ex-D&D nerd and it’s just fucking with me?
THIS ISN’T JUNIOR HIGH ANYMORE! LEAVE ME ALONE…JUST LET ME WATCH MY….i like dragons. why can’t i just watch some dragons….
5. Let’s all be outraged that the government spies on our personal shit, even though we know they’ve been doing it since the inception of government: Yeah, Republicans…act totally outraged that Obama is using YOUR Patriot Act to look at private phone calls. That’s like Cheech and Chong getting pissed at their kids for being pot heads.
And yeah, America…pretend that we JUST figured out that our government was spying on its private citizens…something we all know it’s been doing since like…fucking George Washington.
You think these guys weren’t goin through people’s mail? If only Lincoln could have gotten Booth’s cell phone messages…
Please bitches.
Our government spies on us. Our rich people cheat and steal from everyone else. Our military occasionally kills innocent people in collateral damage or friendly fire and props up evil dictators only to tear them down decades later when it suits us. Politicians lie and take bribes. Most republican politicians are closet homosexuals. Priests diddle little boys.
It’s nothing new. If most of us choose to turn a blind eye or suppress our outrage with mindless media entertainment for years at a time…we dont’ get to make up for it by acting totally outraged all over again when the veil is momentarily lifted again. We know how this works. The good things this country has and continues to enjoy come at a price…an often ugly price. Stop pretending you aren’t aware of it.
You wanna stop random fuck heads from setting off bombs at marathons, then the gov’t has to scan random private phone chatter. And the truth is that most are willing to forsake that privacy if it can prevent some piece of shit from blowing up their local grocery store some day.
We just aren’t supposed to admit that…we are supposed to act outraged. And lemmings are great at that.
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