Sorry I’ve been out for a few weeks, fuckers. Life pulls you in many directions and this little shitty blog isn’t always one of ’em.
But relax, I’m back to guide the Lemmings this week, so let’s get it ON!!
1. Every single Today Show has to be “a special edition of Today Show” :
Seriously, every fucking morning when I stumble out of bed to drag my ass to the shower, I flick on the tube and on comes The Today Show with its glaring, multi-colored graphics and intense serious music and I know they have once again decided that today’s episode just had to be another “very special edition“. Why? It doesn’t fucking matter. It never fucking matters. A violent attack somewhere on US soil. Some fucking royal wedding. Some guy eats 200 hotdogs in 4 minutes. “SPECIAL EDITION!” All the same. That fucking show really has a problem with relativity. If they’re all “special” than none of them are “special” you dipshits. Kinda like how people want EVERY kid to get a trophy, not just the winner. Defeats the purpose.
And someone tell Matt Lauer to stop waxing his scalp. My early morning eyes can’t take the glare.
Fuck, Matt….turn your shiny head away!
2. Carnival Cruise basically has to be on the FBI Most Wanted List:
For fuck sake, the boats are LITERALLY killing people now. Like throwing them off the fucking side. People, hide your kids, lock your doors. The Carnival Cruise is coming for you. Whether it drowns you in your own shit in the dark, or just throws you to the fucking sharks, the Carnival is gonna get ya’. Shit, a couple more kills and that cruise line is officially a serial killer! Screw BTK and Summer of Sam….Carnival kills you with a fucking BOAT! Beat that, Zodiac!
It’s to the point now that whenever I see a commercial for Carnival, my mind starts playing this commentary over it like I’m watching a horror movie in an urban movie theater:
“Ooh, bitch…you gonna diiiiiieeeee!!”
3. Robots are going to take over the world soon…and look fucking stupid doing it :
It’s true. And thanks to Hollywood and the Terminator movies, we all kinda thought we had a good vision of what our inescapable, robotic grim reapers were going to look like. Well, fuck that….
Meet you harbinger of death. He looks about as threatening as your vacuum cleaner.
Seriously, if I’m gonna be killed by something that looks like Johnny 5 + an 80’s BMX bike with a hat…then my vote is for a zombie apocalypse instead.
4. The IRS is evil and partisan for investigating tax-hating political groups for tax fraud :
Because, you know, if part of your job is to investigate tax fraud or evasion of any kind…the last thing you want to do is target groups that call themselves anything like “Tea Party” or “Patriot”…you know, people like this:
Why would you EVER consider them a threat to evade paying taxes?
Nothing suspicious!
Seriously, the IRS makes it a point to check these factions out as they sprout up and every conservative loses their shit and calls foul? Aren’t conservatives the same people who want every muslim at the airport stripped searched “just in case”? Doesn’t it work both ways, assholes?
If some guy made a big show of hating puppies, I mean he tells everyone he hates puppies. He advocates beating them. Killing them. Making them into coats. Should he really be crying foul when the ASPCA comes to investigate his new puppy mill at his house?
Investigating suspects based on their own suspicious actions and remarks is not unjust…it’s called “doing your job”.
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