Archive for December, 2012

Let’s Talk About Guns

Posted: December 18, 2012 in Humor
Tags: , , ,


I don’t really like getting into the hot-button shit with people.  I found that pretty much every one has made up their minds already on that shit and you can fuck their ears with the dildo of opinion/knowledge all you want…you ain’t getting in.

Come on! Let me try!

Come on! Let me try!

Still, with yet ANOTHER disgustingly violent act by a peanut-brained lunatic fresh in the news and in our minds, I guess I feel the urge to try humping those ears of yours one more time.



Okay, guns.  Yes, guns.  America loves its fucking guns like a teenage boy loves his penis: They want it in their hands at all times.

He holding one right now.  And his gun is in his other hand.

He’s holding one right now. And his gun is in his other hand.

There really is no debate in that.  And I’ll tell ya’ right off the bat, I’m skipping over whole “Should we or should we not be allowed to have guns” rant. Regardless of the Constitution and the whole “Rights” aspect…it’s just not realistic to ban guns entirely.  Banning things all together, things that people WANT has never been met by anything other than failure in this country. It may bring things down a tad (prohibition did curb alcohol usage and crime rates somewhat…while helping to build an entire underground black-market and criminal empire) but if people want it, they will get it.  The drug war is a pretty perfect example of that.  The war on drugs have been about as effective as putting R-ratings on movies so no kid sees it without their mommy.  I’ve smoked the reefer and I watched the Friday the 13th parts 1-6 before I was nine.  I wanted it, so  I got it.  And many others want it…so if there is a demand, a market will spring up like herpes.  You can rage against THAT machine all you want but you’d be spinning your wheels.  I have better things to do.  Like smoking pot and watching horror movies.  And while it’s been said before, banning guns will only truly punish the law-abiding far more than the potential criminal.  It’s an old chestnut, but there’s alot of truth to it.  You can ban guns and the law-abiding and the responsibile will be left without them.  But the criminals, who by definition don’t have much respect for the law anyway, will still look to get them, even if it is more difficult.  That’s not logical or ethical.
My point is having the debate about if we should even be allowed to HAVE guns or if the second amendment is outdated, etc…is just pointless wind-bagging.  Criminals will always find a way to get guns.  The law abiding and responsible should be able to “even the playing field” in the event that “bad guy comes across good guy”.  Guns are here.  Guns are staying.  Just like porn, pot, and whiskey.

The debate we actually have to have here (one that we need to have due to the uptick of psycho’s going on terminal rampages against the defenseless) is kinda two-part: Why do we want so MANY guns and so MUCH ammo along with What’s a reasonable limit (and should there be)
WHO can purchase and possess guns.

The first part is equal parts cultural studies and pragmatism (yep, big words…follow along). What is it with Americans and our guns?  Guns are worldwide, yet few, if any, industrialized countries have as many guns as us within the population or use them to commit so many violent acts (adjust for population size and all that shit).  Our culture is obsessive with guns.  We amass and collect and display and shoot and buy magazines about them and have entire organizations with political power because of them.  They are in almost every movie and TV show.  Our obsession goes beyond just “woven into our fabric”.  Some men, if asked to choose between their dick or their gun…well, they’d have to think about that for a bit.

"What if my penis could shoot .232 caliber?"

“What if my penis could shoot .232 caliber?”

So why is that?  My personal take is FEAR.  We are afraid….REALLY fucking afraid.  You’ve only gotta  jump over the border in Canada to really see the difference between America’s view of mankind vs. most other countries.  Canada has a small fraction of the guns we have, and a tiny fraction of the gun violence.  Like Micheal Moore showed in his Bowling for Columbine doc, many Canadians in nice suburban districts don’t even lock their doors..during the day or at night.  Seriously, they just leave them open.  Madness, eh?  I mean, they must just be getting robbed and raped left and right up there in Moose Country.
No.  They aren’t.
But over here, we just assume that an unlocked door is one step away from an unwanted gang bang and a house-looting.  Statistically, that’s pretty much bullshit…but we don’t care about those stupid science numbers and such.  Over here, we deadbolt and lock n’ load.  The enemy is out there…somewhere.  Of course I’m not saying we should stop locking our doors and just let what ever happens happen.  It just goes to show the cultural difference between or nation and others.  Now where that fear comes from and if it’s basically a self-feeding loop…well, that’s another discussion all-together.

So if we are afraid, who are we afraid of?  Random rapists and killers?  Drug addicted burglars?  Yeah, they do exist and we shouldn’t make it easy for them with a door wide-open and no form of defense handy.  Statistically though, the chances of those things happening are extremely low.  And if the statistics are low…shouldn’t our reaction to those statistics be reasonable and in proportion?  Giving yourself and your home NO defense is fucking stupid.  But so does steel doors and multiple deadbolts, barred windows, and six different guns with enough ammo to make Rambo’s dick hard.  There’s a reasonable balance you can strike based off the ACTUAL threat.  Lock your doors and windows, get a dog that barks, and keep one gun with a little bit of ammo available.  That’s reasonable.  Not only is that reasonable….yep…it should be THE LAW.

I said it.  There should be a limit on how many guns any one person can possess, what kind of guns they can possess, and how much ammo.  And to argue against that just shows the incredibly out-of-proportion personal fear you are dealing with.  Let me explain: If you are just protecting your home and family, why the fuck do you need more than 1 or 2 guns?  Why do you need any more than a box of ammo?  Why do you need high-capacity clips?  Who the fuck do you really think you are going to have to fight off?  Can you think of any realistic scenario when a large group of people are going to storm your house to steal your stuff and kill your kids?  That doesn’t happen.  On the odd-chance your house is broken into, you are dealing with 1 or 2 people.  You’re telling me you can’t scare the shit out of them and send them sprinting off with one quick trigger pull into the ceiling?  Do you really envision some kind of Mexican stand-off with the Mad Rapist Coalition bunkered down in your living room while keeping you pinned down at the top of your stairs, desperately out-gunned and running low on ammo?

"What? You only have 1 gun with 10 bullets? Oh, we are so gonna rape you."

“What? You only have 1 gun with 10 bullets? Oh, we are so gonna rape you.”

If you seriously can’t defend your home from some junkie trying to steal your TV with one gun…you fucking suck.  You don’t deserve to have a family to protect.  I’m serious.

This goes for the hunters out there as well.  The ones with 5 rifles and 3 shotguns and a couple assault rifles to boot- just in case those deer get REALLY dangerous.  What the fuck, guys?  You really need more than 1 or 2 rifles and a few boxes of ammo to hunt with every year? Really?  Does deer hunting really get that intense?

"My uncle was killed by a rabid deer.  It could happen to anyone."

“My uncle was killed by a rabid deer. It could happen to anyone.”

You know what, if you need 5 different hunting rifles and an assault rifle with 1000 rounds of ammo in high-capacity clips to hunt some fucking deer or pigs….YOU FUCKING SUCK AS A HUNTER! Quit.  You’re pathetic.
Or just drop the whole “The assault rifle is for hunting” bullshit.  Because it is bullshit.  You own that because you’re in love with the sheer killing power.  It makes you feel powerful.  So do the other oodles of guns on your shelves.  They are not needed, they are not functional for the limited use that one could get out of them….they are trophies.  Very dangerous trophies.  Trophies that make very fearful people feel a little better.
And I’m not even going to address the idiots that stockpile arms because they want to hold on to their right to protect themselves from the tyranny of “an oppressive government like America”.  I’m not even going to debate how “bad or tyrannical” America is.  If you seriously think you can stock pile enough weapons to fight off an army that has tanks and jets and drones…you are beyond retarded.  Your delusion is so great you must still think WWE is real (“They use chairs!!”).  This isn’t fucking Red Dawn! Unless the mass majority of Americans stockpiles huge volumes of semi-automatic assault rifles with millions of pounds of ammo….oh, FUCK IT!  You’d STILL lose.

"Please stop using my picture."

“Please stop using my picture.”

1 or 2 guns.  Whether you hunt or not.  A modest amount of ammo.  No production of any kind of assault rifle or high-capacity clips unless for military use.  That’s all you need.  That’s all you will ever need.  That’s all you should be legally allowed to own.  Grow some balls and stand on your own two feet….instead of hiding behind your barricade of 20,000 rounds of kevlar-peircing bullets.  Because the only civilians who actually NEED shit like that, are people who want to kill people…lots and lots of people.  Or kids.

And that brings me to the second issue of debate: WHO gets to have guns.  This is already being discusses and has been for decades…but lets just let common sense rule.  Criminal record (more than a misdemeanor)? No guns for you.  How fucking hard was that?  All it takes is a fucking mandatory background check before the purchase OF ANY GUNS ANYWHERE IN THE U.S..
And the mental status of potential gun purchasers with no criminal record?  Well, that falls on us.  All of us.  The idea that many of the mass murderers and serial sociopaths in our violent gun history “showed no signs that anything was wrong or unhinged” if fucking bullshit.  Eventually…eventually, the truth starts coming out about these whack jobs.  Stories from their childhood or younger years.  Bizarre acts seen by family or friends.  Serious warning signs.  They are never JUST quiet and smart and keep to themselves.  They show signs.  Disturbing signs.  The problem, I believe, is that the ones that see them…ignore them.  And those people are nearly as guilty as the  psycho who pulls the trigger.

There.  It’s not a perfect blueprint.  But I believe I spewed out some simple logic above that any balance-minded adult should see the value in.  There is still so much to understand about our very unique, very violent, and very fearful culture.  And it is understanding our bizarre and violent culture, and then maybe figuring out how to change it, that will actually make a true difference in how we handle guns.  But until then, there are very simple and fair actions we can take to make this country a little fucking safer.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go polish my gun.  My ONE gun.

Follow The Rant on Twitter: @Rickranter