Archive for March, 2013

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Continuing my selfless community service of educating the public on great horror flicks that were passed over for some reason or other….

Apollo 18 (2011): It made about 25 million with a budget of only 5 million, so it’s not technically a bomb…but who saw this?  You didn’t.  But you should.  It’s another found-footage horror film (OH MY GOD THERE AREN’T ENOUGH OF THOSE!), but before you roll your eyes, shut the fuck up and give it a shot.  It’s a well produced, well acted, tense thriller about what “really” happened to some ill-fated astronauts on the last, and never publicly reported, trip to the moon by the US.  Creepy as fuck, great use of the natural claustrophobia of the small ship and suits they are forced to wear and the bleak, unyielding blackness of the moon they are stranded on (took poetry in college for like a week).  Like working in a cubicle.

The Objective (2008): UFO’s in Afghanistan?  Who knew? Let’s send a CIA spook and a small military outfit to investigate.  Yeah, that’s gonna work out well. It’s no Zero Dark Thirty, but fine production, great acting and script.  It’s by the guy who did The Blair Witch…and he kind of gets his mojo back with this one.  Creepy and suspenseful, with enough questions left unanswered to keep it creepy. Fuck, like white people didn’t already have enough reasons to never go to Afghanistan.

The Awakening (2011): A tiny little British flop that deserves more of an audience.  Maybe a little derivative (The Others), but original enough with a twisty, nasty ending and some fading ambiguity to really piss you off.  Good shit.

Pontypool (2009): A tiny little Canadian film that plays so much fucking bigger.  Takes on the zombie/infection genre with a very original spin on what “infection” means.  The smartest attempt at apocalyptic horror I’ve seen on a tiny budget.

The Pact (2012): Jesus, why did this movie not get a bigger release?  Better than most of the horror movies I’ve seen in the past 2 or 3 years.  Expertly directed, suspenseful, scary as fuck.  Not ground breaking, but smart and tense.  Acting and dialogue is solid.   I’ve gotta follow this Nick McCarthy guy (director) around now….

The Crazies (Original 1973 release): The remake was pretty good and made good bucks at the box office.  The original never had a fucking shot.  Romero’s non-zombie take on infection horror is pretty dated and low-budget, but it’s pretty solid and has a ballsy anti-government/corporate hook on it for the times.  Don’t be a fucking snob and check it out.

There you go, I just filled up your weekend “to do” list.  You’re welcome.

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He just fucking stands there and stares at me with that stupid fucking grin.  His hand reaches feebly for the door knob to leave the office but it just hovers there, noncommittal.  Our conversation, if you can call him asking if he can borrow my stapler and me telling him “fuck no” a conversation, is over.  We have nothing else to talk about.  There is nothing else to say.  I have plainly shown no interest in small talk.  There is no water cooler present.  But yet he just stands there, staring and grinning.  “Uncomfortable” turned up to 11.

He can’t fucking do it.  He can’t just say “okay” and turn around and leave.  He can’t because he literally does not know how. The part of his brain that interprets social cues never developed past the size of a tic-tac, and he is desperately looking at me to command the situation, to feed him an actual verbal cue so he knows if our interaction is over and if he should leave the room.  Because he honestly does not fucking know.

I sigh, “Dude, leave.  Just leave.”

“Heh, okay! Later, Rick!” he yelps as he leisurely grabs the knob and walks out, his head never turning, his eyes never leaving mine, as if he still is not sure if he is supposed to leave or if he should say something else or…I don’t even fucking know.  I don’t know how the fuck the guy’s head works.  I just know when this man walks into a room, he grinds the entire social gear-works to a halt.  His name is Kyle.  He is a socially awkward idiot.  And he is a fucking douche bag.

I'm just going to stare at you for the next 17 minutes...until you perform some kind of social cue I can understand...which is unlikely.

I’m just going to stare at you for the next 17 minutes…until you perform some kind of social cue I can understand…which is unlikely.

We all have these people in our lives.  These social idiots who were apparently raised in a dark cave, isolated from all other forms of human life, with no media access except a 1940’s radio playing talky-shows.  Fuck, I bet those Romanians who grew up in those wretched orphanages we all saw news clips of, isolated in single cribs until they’re 5 with virtually no human contact, to the point that they just hug themselves for hours so they feel loved….I bet even THEY ARE CAPABLE OF SIMPLY ASKING FOR A FUCKING STAPLER AND THEN LEAVING ON THEIR OWN!

“I know, Rick. What is Kyle’s problem?”
“I don’t know, skinny Romanian orphan boy. I don’t know.”

 

The incredibly simple procedure of walking up to someone and starting a conversation is like goddamn calculus to them…and they must SUCK at math.  The have no instinct for conversational patterns.  No ebb and flow.  No sense of privacy or personal space or intrusion.  They are incapable of matching the tone of a group conversation, the pace, the timing.  They have NO idea what the fuck everyone is talking about. None.  It’s like they don’t own a computer, a TV, a radio, newsprint of any kind, nothing.  All they seem to own is ONE issue of Popular Mechanics from April, 1989 and they constantly try to start or STEER every conversation they barge in on into a discussion about one of its stupid, shitty articles.

“No, Kyle, we had no idea that the front suspension on the first lunar rover was designed for- KYLE, FUCK!….we are trying to link Kevin Smith’s decline in movie quality to his rising obesity.  Shut up.”

Seriously, who the fuck wants to talk about this thing? Anyone?

Seriously, who the fuck wants to talk about this thing? Anyone?

And they absolutely cannot grasp the primitively simple expressions that others make WHEN THEY DON’T WANT THEM AROUND.

If you smile at them while passing in the hall, it’s like you just shot a haymaker to their cerebral cortex.  They are baffled.  You smiled at them, you MUST want to start an in-depth conversation about something and they have no idea what…but DAMMIT, THEY ARE GONNA TRY (lunar rover?)!  And then they assume that this is ALWAYS the “cue” for conversation on your part…so every fucking time you pass them in the hall they fucking stare at you like a zombie going for their first kill…just waiting for the slightest grimace on your end, even just a sideways glance, and then it’s off to the awkward races!  Which forces you to act is if their eyes are projecting “2 Girls, 1 Cup” and just avoid any peripheral contact whatsoever (which makes YOU look and feel awkward so FUCK THEM for that too).

Goddammit, Kyle. Fuck you.  Now you got me all pissed off again.

I don’t want an explanation.  I don’t care why they are like this.  What I want is a simple way to repel them.  It has to be effective and legal (often an oxymoron).

My idea: complete, horrific, graphic, overload:

“Hey, Kyle.  Glad you could barge into our conversation here. Quick! Would you rather strangle a newborn puppy with his mother’s own intestines or a leather strap?  Now Bill here says go for the leather….but I use leather strap to flog myself nightly in front of the mirror in the name of the all mighty Darthu, Lord of the Billy Goats…..so I’d go for the intestines. Have you ever seen a horse get an erection?”

Fuck it, he’d still somehow twist that back to the goddamn lunar rover again….

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Hit ’em up! Let’s go:

1. The new Pope is old, hates gays, no sex before marriage, is anti-abortion, anti-contraception, faced accusations of assisting the local corrupt government in kidnapping…but HEY!  He’s Latino!  That’s progress!

And don't worry about the old pope, he's settling into his new role nicely.

And don’t worry about the old pope, he’s settling into his new role nicely.

 

2. If spiders are now eating bats, as recently reported by the media, and these spiders live pretty much everywhere…then we are allowed to run screaming into the street shooting guns wildly into the air in pure terror.

Because that is the only rational way to react to such knowledge.

Because that is the only rational way to react to such knowledge.

 

3. St. Patrick’s Day is not all about drinking…it’s about celebrating Irish heritage.

Fuck you, I'm Irish.fuck you...

Fuck you, I’m Irish.
fuck you…

 

4. Seriously, someone HAS to do something about these Carnival Cruise ships!

Just look at how it's leering at that child.  Predators, all of 'em.

Just look at how it’s leering at that child. Predators, all of ’em.

 

5. The Internet is NOT DONE endlessly dissecting Inception for every error that can possibly be found in that movie.  There is just so much more work to be done…

For fuck sake, it's a movie about fucking DREAMS! DREAMS! What do you want from us?!

For fuck sake, it’s a movie about fucking DREAMS! DREAMS! What do you want from us?!

 

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As we continue with our weekly list of bullshit too many people believe and the rest of us are suppose to just go with it….

1. Those Red Light cameras are for the benefit of society and not at all about fleecing Americans out of cash.

"Frank, that yellow light was only 2 seconds! We are getting fucked with these cameras""Marsha, the local government would never screw out of millions, they LOVE us! We've been through this...

“Frank, that yellow light was only 2 seconds! We are getting fucked with these cameras”
“Marsha,we’ve been through this.  The local government would never screw us out of millions, they LOVE us! They just want to keep us safe.   I’ll just sell some more blood to pay for the ticket.”

2. It’s very important to be concerned about Dennis Rodman’s views on the North Korean leadership.

I'm so fucking relevent. My words change political policies.  And I fucked Madonna once.

‘Cause the guy who fucked Madonna once and has bit roles on Celebrity Apprentice can change political discourse with just a few conversations.

3. It’s so important to find costume and prop inconsistencies in movies and post them on the internet…over and over.

See that?  Boom, your life is changed.

See that? Boom, your life is changed.

4.  Kate Middleton (a new Duchess of a defunct, figure-head monarchy with a long, proud history of incest) and her pregnancy is vital news that should affect your life.  Stay tuned. Always.

If it's a boy, we'll all have pudding.  If it's a girl, I will slaughter you in your beds.

If it’s a boy, we’ll all have pudding. If it’s a girl, I will slaughter you in your beds.

5. Obese children are not a sign of child abuse.  It just shows parents love them sooooo soooo much.

"but mommy never smokes in the house.  She's says that would be bad for us."

“but mommy never smokes in the house. She’s says that would be bad for us.”

follow the Rant on Twitter: @Rickranter