Archive for October, 2012

He bows his head in the back of the van, his hands shaking slightly.  He knows what’s outside and he knows he has to stand in the middle of it all, with nothing but his amazing courage and steadfast resolve to support him.  He pulls the parka hood over his baseball cap and opens the van door, stepping out into hell.  The wind rips at his clothing, nearly sending him to the ground.  The horizontal rain stings his face as he tries to keep them open just enough to get in position.  He stumbles in a puddle and nearly goes down, but he can’t quit now, too many are relying on him.  He is needed.  He is the beacon of information that thousands, perhaps millions are about to turn to.  He steadies himself and turns to the camera man also braving these insane meteorological conditions and raises his microphone and waits for his cue in his earpiece.  It is time.  It is his time.  He must stand tall and seize the moment. He must own it, never let it go.  He only gets one chance and cannot miss his chance to blow.  These opportunities come once in a life time…and whatever else Eminem said in that song he has on his ipod.

“THAT’S RIGHT, AL!  IT SURE IS WINDY OUT HERE!  AND RAINING HARD TOO…AS YOU CAN SEE! WOW!  JUST LOOK AT ME OUT HERE!”

This man is a Bad-Weather Field Reporter, and he is a complete fucking douchebag.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  Both genders.  All ages.  The only consistent quality they all share is they are narcissistic assholes who think that A) Standing outside in terrible weather is the only way to really let people watching on TV know how really windy and rainy it is and B) They are fucking heroes that are just one notch below the guys who killed Bin Ladin.

“If you look closely, you can see my Superman cape tucked beneath my poncho…”

Seriously, these people are so completely backwards in their self-centered thinking. NO, asshole, we do not need you to stand in the middle of a fucking hurricane in order for us to understand that standing in the middle of a fucking hurricane sucks.  Not a difficult concept to explain, nor a necessary one.  And you know what…I think they may, as incredibly stupid as they are, actually know that.  Which just leaves us with B: They just think they are fucking heroes.

I’d guess I’d like to know who told them that?  How that thought process takes root in their brains and progress to that state, a state where they think they are doing something really heroic by soaking themselves to the bone so they can’t feel the urine pooling in their underwear every time some debris narrowly misses their skull.

“I’ve shit myself several times now…but I’m changing the world at the moment, so I’ll just let it stew.”

Did some news executive somewhere at sometime, during a terrible violent storm, turn to one of his field reporters and say:

“You know what, Sandy?  I bet if you went and stood out there and let us tape you trying to report how shitty it is…it would be media GOLD!”

Sandy would look outside and then look at her boss.  “Stand out there…in that?  Why?  Anyone with a brain already knows it sucks outside.  I didn’t sleep with you just so I can get a job standing in a fucking wind storm. Besides, it’s crazy.  It’s fucking dangerous out there.”

“Exactly, Sandy.  Exactly.”

Sandy pauses and looks.

“Do you want to be a hero, Sandy?”

Sandy thinks back to that last Thanksgiving when her mom told her news reporting is just silly and she should have become a dental assistant or married Tom Berchen down the street because he’s a doctor now and…

“Yes.  Yes, I want to be a hero.  I AM a hero!”

How this fucking ridiculous fad in TV reporting actually came to be is beyond me…meaning I haven’t Googled it yet.  But it doesn’t really matter.  It’s not how it started, it’s how are we going to END it?  This practice is just so widespread in every televised news faction in the world that it’s probably going to take a massively gory death on live television (which would be pretty awesome) to wake people the fuck up as to how fucking retarded this is.  You would think we wouldn’t need that.  You would think people would understand that if you keep making people walk a tight rope over a cliff, someone is going to eventually fall…wait.

Is that what this is?  Is that what’s really fueling this?  Is it us?  I mean, regardless of how egomaniacal some field reporter is…if we don’t watch it, they won’t do it.  So, it must be us.  We watch because we WANT to see that stupid asshole get swept off his feet and slid across the beach into a jagged rock.  We want that random 2×4 to come flying into frame and break her jaw…don’t we?  It’s just like the people watching NASCAR.  Fuck the winners, we came for the crashes!

Maybe we have no one to blame but ourselves.  Well I wonder what happens when we get what we want?

But shit, what a few less douchebags in the world?  Here’s to random 2×4’s flying at 100mph.

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So some fucktard jumped out of a super balloon in the upper stratosphere-at the edge of space-and free-fell to the earth…safely.  Everyone watched.  Everyone cheered.  Tears were wept as he landed safely by parachute and hugged him mommy.  It was sponsored by Red Bull.  Every major and minor news channel has played and replayed the footage.  The story currently OWNS pop culture and the internet.  Several cults in his name have probably already sprung up somewhere in New Mexico (that’s where all the cults go).  And my response?

WHAT THE FUCK, DARWIN?!

The perfect chance for the metaphorical Charles Darwin, central figure in the iconic natural philosophy “Survival of the Fittest”, to cull another idiot out of the gene pool….and Nature (the cog in Darwin’s philosophical wheel) dropped the ball.  Instead of endless loops of this privileged, self-serving, Austrian trust-fund brat with a severe lack of common sense spinning and splattering into tiny pieces of retard flesh on the hot New Mexico desert…we have another “Icon” in human adventure and endeavor (read as: asshole daredevil who’s daddy didn’t love him).

Are my personal biases showing through?  Well, it’s fucking blog, that’s the point.  I have severe disdain for daredevils, thrill seekers, adventure finders, adrenaline junkies…whatever you want to label these morons as.  Stripped of their incredibly dangerous and pointless antics, they are people who are so lacking in self-worth that they will do the most ridiculous of stunts to get as many to admire them as possible.  People so selfish and ignorant to society in general that they spend years and years planning, perfecting, and performing singular acts that do nothing for the society they come from and give nothing back of consequence.  And they do it while putting the one body and life they have at endless risk.  These are the acts of the mentally ill and sickly narcissistic.  Yet we turn a blind eye to that aspect because OH MY GOD LOOK AT HOW HIGH HE’S JUMPING HOLY SHIT BALLS!!

Now I understand that a certain amount of human adventurism or just plain courage was and will always be necessary in our survival as a species.  The first primate to leap extra far to that other tree was rewarded with some better fruit and probably some well deserved poontang of the female monkeys watching below.  And of course I tip a hat to the brave soul who rushes into a burning building to save child.  But do you see the difference?  That monkey who jumped showed the other monkeys they could jump a little farther too…and helped them improve transportation around the forest and helped get some better food- a real and tangible benefit…and of course that child was saved from that burning building.

But what the fuck did Felix do?  Did he save anyone?  Did he help anything?  And please don’t give me that “he inspired us” shit.  “He pushed our imaginations and our souls so that others will…”  Of fuck off.  So that others will do WHAT exactly?  What did Felix inspire anyone to do?  To try and jump even higher in five years?  The monkey already did that thousands of years ago for legitimate reasons and with important results.  You’re fucking fooling yourself if you think guys like Felix inspire the next “Steve Jobs” by showing that “anything is possible” and all that bullshit.  There are fare more selfish, personal issues going on here…

"My penis isn't small. Does it look small to you?  I don't think my penis looks too small..."

“I don’t care if my penis is small.  Does it look small to you? I don’t think my penis looks too small…”

But fortunately, Nature agrees with me.  The “Survival of the Fittest” philosophy that Darwin found to exist in this world generally does a pretty good job of weeding out the “unfit”.  And the list of “unfit” is great and varied and most certainly includes idiots who spend years of their lives trying to increase the amount of adrenaline to their brains rather than improving social health, civilized values, or just picking up some fucking litter on the ground.  Yes, I hold school janitors in higher regard than Felix Baumgartner.  At least they are doing something productive and helpful to others.  And they can function just fine with a couple of beers after work to please their tired brain.  They aren’t such genetic failures that they need to base jump from a fucking cliff to feel “alive” (read as “WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME, MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!??)  The internet, police blotters, and cable TV is chock full of genetic failures who are culled out of the gene pool through their own stupidity.  If you follow around grizzly bears, or play with crocodiles and sting rays, and base jump off bridges…there is good chance you’re probably gonna die from that sooner or later.  And that’s good.  You are a fucking retard who is wasting the only life you have for a fleeting jolt of adrenaline and even more fleeting fame.  And it’s important that you die and don’t multiply and it’s important that others know that you died so they learn a lesson from your foolish actions.

And so, only days ago, Darwin/Nature had a PRIMO chance to really drive this point home on live streaming internet.  But someone fell asleep at the wheel.  And now some other rich, boring idiot is already planning on doing another free fall at the edge of the world…only this time….HOLDING A LIVE FUCKING RATTLESNAKE OMG LOL SO COOL!!!

How inspiring.

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Posted: October 5, 2012 in Humor
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The Great Debaters

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Humor
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I fucking hate politics.  I don’t get into it much on this blog, nor do I plan to really…it just isn’t my thing.  There’s enough people who already rant about the sleaze-bags behind the podiums.  But I really had to comment on a very specific phenomenon the takes place and is taking place in American politics right now.  Actually, it’s two phenomena (that’s plural, right?): Create Your Own Narrative and The Running of the Lemmings.  These have been on bright display since the first Presidential Debate aired last night (or on 10/3, depending on when your lazy ass got around to reading this).
I do give a shit about this country and the government, those are separate from politics in my mind.  However, you really can’t get involved in one without the other.  So, yes…I sat my ass down and watched the first debate last night.  And, as I expected, it was as predictable, interesting, and involving as two hours of the Home Shopping Network: One spins fake-ass shiny shit around and tries to get you to buy it…and the other sells crappy jewelry.
What I saw was exactly what I have seen for about nine months out of both candidates:  They said exactly the same shit, in exactly the same way.  They each threw a couple of bullshit stats at each other, told some truths and told some lies, and both felt very smug and important the whole time.  There were no surprises.  There was no clear winner.  That is, if you define winning in the classical sense of a debate: a topic is presented and one side proves the other’s views wrong by presenting sound, rational logic.  Even if you are a stupid fucking idiot and define winning as “who gets off more zingers and sound bites”, there STILL was no winner.  To put it clearly…nothing happened.
But then, even as the debate was barely a half-hour old, something did start to happen.  Not in the debate…but in the bored minds of many onlookers at home and the media alike.  Out of the need to create some news, or just out of the need to make something interesting out of NOTHING…people starting Creating Their Own Narratives.  They began to rewrite reality.  And who was the benefactor this night?  Romney.  The internet and Twitter-verse rapidly began writing a new story, a more dramatic story: Romney was KILLING IT!  Romney was controlling the debate!  He was dominating Obama!  It was the Globetrotters vs. who-ever-the-fuck!
And as the media continued to spin the made-up story they needed to fill 24hr news cycles and satisfy their own need for pointless, screaming circle-jerks about those made-up stories…the 2nd phenomena quickly began taking shape:  The Running of the Lemmings.  
Human beings have a nasty habit of turning our brains onto autopilot.  It probably serves or served some kind of evolutionary need at some point.  Autopilot probably relieves stress or something, fuck if I know.  But the problem with the autopilot feature on our brains is that it leaves us really susceptible to fuckery.  Add to that, our needs for drama and emotion, our never-ending need to fit in and be one of the “cool kids”, and any personal bias hanging around thanks to mom and dad’s early programming….and you are a fucking lemming running toward the cliff.
In a blink, half the country was lighting up their keyboards and smartphones with “yeah, Romney got this one! #buuurned!”.  Liberals too.  Fucking everyone.  It was truly fucking bizarre to watch happen.  I figured I must have it on the wrong channel.  Maybe NBC was running some time-delay, heavily-edited, sanitized version that was removing the zingers and argument-ending displays of logic.  Nope.  Same shit everyone else was watching.  Somehow, I managed to miss the lemming riot. But watching it was truly a depressing sight.
Even more depressing was watching the media and “lay people” alike try to defend their mind-fuckery.  People literally pointed out Romney’s hand gestures and eye movements as evidence of victory.  As if a fucking eyebrow raise equates to a well-timed quip with unbeatable rationale.

Moderator:  Your response, Mr. Romney?

(Romney rolls his shoulders back and raises an eyebrow, a small smirk displayed across his lips)

Moderator: Thank you, Mr. Romney.  Well played, sir!

(Obama hangs his head in defeat, out-gestured at ever turn)

I mean plenty of websites ran both men’s comments through the “truth detectors” and both had some legitimate points with statistical backing and both had some outright bullshit lies…but neither more than the other.
But that wasn’t what mattered.  That’s not what everyone was talking about or hanging the victory hat on.  It was the PRESENTATION (or the created presentation people saw in their twisted minds).  Everyone’s points of victory revolved totally on showmanship.  Stage presence. Nicer hair.
That’s all these “debates” really are.  Pageants.  Pretty boys looking manly and saying witty things about nothing…but sounding damn good while they do it.
So we created winners from thin air, everyone goes along with it, and we base it all on nice teeth and telling the moderator to shut the fuck up?  I’d scream “the emperor has no clothes” but I don’t think my twitter voice is loud enough to do shit.
If that’s the case, let’s just go the full nine yards and get rid of the old moderator, put the American Idol judges down there, and be done with it.  That’s what the media and the lemmings demand, and if history has shown us anything…they always get what they want.

Most horror movies suck donkey balls.  Most movies suck donkey balls, but horror movies tend to suck the donkey balls even harder…really draining every last drop of donkey juice they can muster.  A true shame, because the horror genre is unquestionably my favorite…and many other’s favorite-hence the ridiculous flooding of the movie market with shitty, shitty horror flicks.

Still, there’s always a few gems that shine through this stew of steaming bile.  Some make it big and pull in the big blockbuster bucks, earn the praise of esteemed critics and discriminating fans alike and take their place among the legends.  But not every gem is found, not by enough people anyway.  There are always a few shiny bits that people just pass over for some fucking reason, maybe the stench of the surrounding stew of slime overcomes them, and they are cursed to sit on back shelves of Blockbuster or deep in the digital bowels of Netflix.  Also, most people are fucking retarded.

Relax and fear not…as before, I am here to shine a light on these missed opportunities and resurrect them back into the horror stream.  I know, I know….you’re welcome.  Shut up.  Now pull up a chair and get out a pen…I’m about to make your pathetic weekend festivities a lot more interesting:

Absentia (2011) – Super low-budget indie that made the absolute most of what they could afford.  A clever spin on The 3 Billie Goats Gruff (sort of) that dispenses with bow-tied, happy endings.

The Innkeepers (2011) – Ti West strikes again.  This movies actually did pretty good in the theaters and generally got good reviews, not a bomb by any stretch and actually tripled its budget.  Yet, I’m baffled when I can never find a single person who has seen this.  It made $70million…but no one fucking saw it.  Another mystery within itself.  The Innkeepers is another masterful super-slow burn of mounting suspense, paranoia, and doubt.  Nice, bloody payoff and some really great performances (including a brief cameo by the annoying Lea Dunham). If you need your horror fast-paced, spoon-fed, and traditionally told….look elsewhere, you mental midget.

Ravenous (1999) – I’m still surprised by how few people ever saw this flick. A brutal bomb at the box office too.  But a truly gross and grossly involving story of desperation, lust, and the lowest depths of the human soul.  Depravity can be really entertaining.  Great cast with some big names.  Great for dinner parties.

Dog Soldiers (2002) – A little Irish werewolf flick that got no love in the US, but it was really well done.  Not many werewolf movies can claim to be coherent and somewhat believable, and still maintain an action atmosphere.  The special effects were pretty decent as well….thankfully no shit-barrel CGI.

The Ruins (2008) – This movie got no love in the theaters and I have no idea why.  Based on the book, this one will give you pause the next time you go to weed your garden.  Very well set up scenario that forces you to feel the helplessness and hopelessness of the characters as death literally grows around them in a foreign land they know nothing about.  See, this is why I don’t travel much.

Pulse (2006) – Quickly panned and ignored in theaters, this movies was immediately categorized as teen-horror fodder with a dash of “wannabe Asian”.  Not fair, not fair.  Yes, the cast is gorgeous and sexy and its flat, dystopian atmosphere does smell a bit Asian…but this movie stands on its own and bucks the trend of “pretty girls gets a bloody nose, overcomes fear, and saves everyone”.  No, there is no saving anyone in this flick.  It’s more “find a dark corner and hide till you die.”

You’re welcome.